About Last Night… When Drinking Goes Too Far

How many times have you said, “I’ll never do that again”? You feel like you’re lucky you’re alive, and guess what? You really are. Anything could have happened; you were out of control. You were probably lucky that a few friends carried you home, or your babe helped you as you crawled into the bathroom, if you could even make it there.

The apologies, the embarrassment, the Advil, finding bruises or a missing handbag, or wondering what the hell happened last night. Was that me? I’m really smart, I’m really a good mom, a respected businesswoman, but my close friends know this side of me, and so do I. And I always forget that I can turn on a dime once the drinks start flowing.

The night starts on such a high note. I’m excited, my social levels are over the top, and then I get into it. It starts moving so fast. I throw back the drinks like they’re water. It’s always amazing to me how my friends are sipping their cocktails. Why can’t I do that? But soon it doesn’t matter. I’m laughing, giggling, and yes, one more, please!

Soon I don’t even remember drinking; it’s all one blur. I stagger to the bathroom, and when I enter the room, I start to slip and slide. I pull myself together to get back to the action. Pretty soon, I need help getting out the door, and then the walk to a cab or down the street can be sidestepped with a puke fest. Lovely.

I looked so nice early in the night, and now I’m curbside throwing up my guts and wanting to get down and sleep on the sidewalk. The cold air feels so good. My friends drag me along, and soon I’m home with the room spinning. Then I pass out.

The next day might be worse. Imagine that! What the hell did I do last night? I was making such a great impression…and then I wasn’t. I don’t want to remember; it’s humiliating. And my head is killing me. I’m still nauseous; my clothes don’t smell so good either.

I’m incredulous that I did it again. How the hell do I lose control so fast? I’ll make the apology calls, and I’m left in bewilderment. The night did not go as planned. Feelings of regret, not to mention the body exhaustion, linger with me for days on end, until I forget…and that is the problem.

Does this sound familiar? I’ve replayed this scene since I was a teenager, and yes, I am now a grandmother, and this routine is still playing out. It’s taken me a long time to learn that I am a binge drinker, a binge partier. I am the party girl, the girl who loves to have a good time but hasn’t figured out how to have a good time without the false social support of substance abuse.

I’m not a daily drinker; heck, I can go for months without drinking, not even a glass of wine at home. But when the party is ready to start, I’m there and ready to have a great time.

After years of repeated failures, losing control, getting sick, memory loss, and stumbling like a drunk, I am always shocked about last night, and I vow that won’t happen again…never. I can’t believe I lost control.

But I have a problem. I am a binge drinker.

I am going to explore binge drinking with you. I am not a doctor, not a therapist, not a specialist, but I have lived this life for 55 years.

Why now? What made me take notice, besides 55 years of puking, passing out, falling down, and too many embarrassing situations that make me cringe just thinking about them?

It took a weekend with a group of people I didn’t know but liked and wanted to be part of the group. They weren’t my typical party gang, and seeing myself lose it for all to see was the biggest wake-up call of my life.

I’ve always been in my isolated group, my posse, who knows my routine. I was more than embarrassed; I humiliated myself. They laughed and said I wasn’t the first person to get drunk, but after years of the same routine, I finally realized I had a problem.

Yes, me, the upstanding citizen, the loving mother, the dependable grandmother, has a problem with binge drinking. What a revelation.

Recognizing the problem is the start. I am accepting it, and writing to you is helping me process a side of me I could never identify. I need to figure this out.

I am done with the puke, the falls, the embarrassment. I want to live a life where I am experiencing the moment in my healthiest condition.

Life is happening now. I don’t want to miss it.